I Hate LeBron James.com

Is LeBron the biggest scumbag in sports history?  According to Bleacher Report, not quite.

Bleacher Report has identified 23 athletes scummier than than King James.  So far, I have to admit – LeBron has a long way to go.  As much as I can’t stand LeBron, I can’t imagine what he could possibly do to top Ty Cobb or Barry Bonds.  I don’t see LeBron turning into a raging racist or a steroid freak.  Anyway, I’ve always though of LeBron as more of  a douchebag than a scumbag.

On the other hand, LeBron is a still a young man.  We shall see what the future holds…

In the aftermath of the unmitigated disaster that was “The Decision,” it was clear that LeBron’s public relations team had to completely re-think their strategy. Initially, they formulated a plan to duct tape LeBron’s mouth shut whenever he wasn’t playing basketball. However, they failed to account for the fact that LeBron weighs 250 pounds and is incredibly strong. That plan did not succeed.

Next, Nike stopped messing around and brought out the big guns, created a confusing hour-long commercial that attempted to put the public in the millionaire crybaby’s shoes. In doing so, they hoped that LeBron’s misguided but loyal fans would sympathize with his plight to screw them over in order to do whatever the fuck he wants to do. You know – heavy is the head that wears the crown and all that. This plan failed as well. In fact, it made things quite a bit worse, especially for Clevelanders. This outcome wasn’t too hard to predict, considering the commercial was totally retarded and condescending.  It even included a Don Johnson cameo.

Left with few other options, LeBron’s downtrodden handlers decided to return to the PR guy’s best friend – the softball interview. But wait…wasn’t “The Decision” itself a softball interview?  Hell, they actually paid that guy to lob softballs. And LeBron *still* screwed it up. “Fuuuuck us,” the poor PR team exclaimed as they cried into their Michelob Ultras.

Then something magical happened. Just  just as Nike was about to send a hit squad to take out the miserable PR idiots, one of them had a Don Draper moment:

“Hey fellow PR goons!  I’ve got it!”

[suspenseful pause]

“Check this – we can have little British kids ask The King questions, screen them very carefully, and then have him answer them on tape so we can delete the most retarded responses!  And here’s the best part – since these factory town kids probably have mercury poisoning, most people won’t even be able to understand the crap coming out of their mush-mouths!”

And lo and behold – it worked!  See!:

Q: Are you taller than a giraffe?

LJ: I am tall, but I am not taller than a giraffe.

Success!

Well…maybe not a complete success.  Not sure how this one got through the filter:

Q: What’s your proudest moment?

 LJ: I’d have to say my proudest moment would be winning a national championship in high school.

I guess if you haven’t won an NBA championship, your next proudest moment would have to be the championship you did win.  The coveted high school championship.

Wait a second…doesn’t LeBron have two sons?  Ouch.

Enjoy the whole ridiculous thing:

LeBron James’ insane clown posse, the physical manifestation of King James’ arrogance and sense of entitlement, has hit a new low, rejecting a fancy birthday cake and leaving the baker to foot the $3,000 bill. This poor lady made the mistake of accepting an offer to provide a free cake in exchange for publicity at LeBron’s 27th birthday douchefest. Cause, you know, LeBron doesn’t have $3K on hand, and needs to bargain hunt. Unfortunately for the baker lady, LeBron’s posse rejected the cake the day of the party (breaking their end of the bargain) and refused to pay up.

Let’s crunch the numbers on this. LeBron made $48,000,000 last year. $3,000 is a measly .00625% of that. The normal person equivalent of this bullshit would be some guy making $50,000 a year refusing to pay for a $3.00 cake.

When it comes to class, LeBron really takes the cake [snickering].

WORD IS BOND, YO. Well, this is LeBron “I ain’t goin’ nowhere” James we’re talking about. Could you say that the baker got “Clevelanded?”  I think you could.

LeBron’s egomania continues to grow despite his bumbling of “the decision” and yet another failed playoff run. The latest narcissistic delusion of King James I is truly astonishing – normal humans, no longer worthy of His acknowledgement, may not speak to Him directly. This rule extends to all non-deities, including legendary sports photographers:

This is how crazy it was: I wasn’t even allowed to talk directly to LeBron. There was a liaison, someone from Amar’e Stoudemire’s family. I would say to him, “O.K., have LeBron drive right,” and then he’d turn to LeBron and say, “LeBron, go right.”

Comical shit of this variety has led Bleacher Report to bestow upon LeBron the glorious title of Biggest Egomaniac in the History of Sports. Yes, bigger than Michael Jordan. Bigger than Jerry Jones. Bigger than A-Rod. Bigger than Muhammad Ali.  Bigger than every asshole to play or coach sports since the dawn of fucking time. “His Airness” Michael Jordan, he of 15 seasons and 6 titles (and 6 finals MVPs), could only muster a pathetic #48 ranking on the list. Fuck you and your entourage, Jordan! LeBron skyrocketed straight to #1 with zero championships and in half the time!  Ha!

LeBron, take note: this is the one time you will be ranked ahead of Jordan in anything. Everything else, you lose – scoring titles, championships, MVPs, Finals MVPs, number of Hitler mustaches sported on television…you name it. Savor this moment.

(courtesy Merriam Webster)

LeBron seems to think that he would make an amazing football player. You know, because of high school.

“If I wasn’t playing basketball, I believe I could try out for an NFL team and make it as a receiver,” James said. “What I’m doing right now will keep my mind off of playing football, but if something ever turned sour in the NBA, I think I’d take a shot at the NFL.”

Sure.  LeBron got beat to the basket and dunked on by a Chinese kid a few months ago, for fuck’s sake (see previous post for video).

Not a Chinese kid:

These quotes were taken from LeBron’s third season in the NBA when there was little to no chance of anything turning sour with the NBA (because of LeBron’s awesomeness, mostly). Now that next season is in serious jeopardy (and LeBron isn’t so awesome), he may have the chance to right the biggest wrong in his life and his ONLY regret:

“The only thing I regret in my life is not playing football my senior year”

How could he pass up such an amazing opportunity?

UPDATE: The lockout is over. LeBron won’t get his chance to play wide receiver in the NFL.  Dang.

Why in the world does Nike keep forcing LeBron to play basketball with kids? Remember that confiscated Nike video where some college kid dunked on LeBron? That has absolutely nothing on this:

So, this little kid *cleanly* steals the ball from LeBron, beats him down the court, and then dunks on him. And then LeBron runs back down the court and turns the ball over. This is truly amazing. Not quite sure how this happened, but it did.

This is why I pay to own ihatelebronjames.com and get off my ass to post every now and then. THIS IS WHY.

Wow.

UPDATE:

LeBron gets his confidence back by dunking over a toddler and then power-yelling:

Nobody can stop LeBron!  Not little kids, not medium-sized kids!  RAAAAAAAAR!

LeBron blew it.  Hilariously.  What else is there to say?  Well…maybe this:

Thanks, DeShawn, you are a legendary LeBron hater.

As usual, there’s more. Did LeBron quietly slink away after losing big like a proper loser that just lost something? *OR* did he run his arrogant mouth and say something idiotic? Predictably, the latter. This time, he decided to take a parting shot at his critics by directly insulting every NBA fan not lucky enough to enjoy a millionaire’s life of luxury:

“All the people that were rooting for me to fail… at the end of the day, tomorrow they have to wake up and have the same life that (they had) before they woke up today,” James said. “They got the same personal problems they had today. And I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things I want to do.”

And so LeBron’s pattern of screwing up and then committing a massive PR gaffe immediately afterward continues…

Sportswriters are such jerkoffs.  Here’s a wonderful case-study, courtesy of ESPN – Rick Reilly. Embolded by the Heat’s game 3 win, I guess, Rick Reilly mustered up enough courage to write a shameless ass-kissing piece on The Chosen One.  Pretty nauseating stuff. Here’s the best part:

Eventually, LeBron James is going to win enough rings to start a pawn shop. He may win them by scoring like Wilt. He may win them by passing like Magic. He may win them by defending like Russell. What’s your point? Aren’t they all shiny?

Way to go out on a limb, Rick. At the time, this looked like the safest of safe calls and therefore this column, at best, was a bunch of front-running shit. Turns out that limb was flimsier than it looked. Very flimsy as the last few games have demonstrated.

So what does a sportswriter do when his big fucking deal of a column has been completely invalidated and he’s too pussy to own up to it? Rick Reilly has been writing about sports long enough to know what to do. There’s a guidebook on the entire process:

First, only have strong opinions when it seems to be safe (naturally).

Second, just in case you might be wrong, make sure that every article you ever write contains a bunch of weaselly cop-outs and qualifiers such as:

It tastes like Drano in my mouth, but I’ve got to say it: The Miami Heat are pulling off one of the greatest I Told You So’s in the history of American sports.

and…

I’m the last guy that wants to write a glowing column about LeBron James.

Third, kinda pretend to be pulling for the other team from time to time. This gives the kinda appearance of kinda being objective in your sportswritings.

And finally, and this is *critical* – when you are busted, follow-up with a bullshit puff piece that has no substantive value whatsoever. Even if this piece drops at the most critical point possible in the playoffs of the sport you are covering and seems wildly inappropriate. It will serve as a crude yet effective distraction.

I’ve seen this same old shit so many times. I caught that jerkoff Bill Simmons doing the same thing years ago during one of LeBron’s first playoff runs (his piece was so bad ESPN removed it from their archives). And I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that award-winning journalist Rick Reilly goes the puff piece route on a regular basis.

Here’s the beauty of this whole system – if the Heat end up winning it all, Rick can pick up right where he left off, take credit, and maybe even win another one of those ultra-prestigious sportswriting awards.

Sports…what a job.

For those of you that can’t bring yourselves to believe that LeBron James is simply a playoff choker, there might a valid excuse floating around out there – LeBron’s girlfriend is hooking up with one of the ugliest Washington Wizards! Delonte West all over again! Poor LeBron! Oh no! The truth was uncovered by hard-hitting investigative journalist Stephen A. Smith through, uh, the grapevine or something.

Not so fast…unfortunately for you excuse-makers (and fortunately for LeBron), it appears that the whole thing is bullshit, per Rashard Lewis and common sense.

Either way – LeBron’s performance in the clutch is not very Jordan-esque. Or even Drew Gooden-esque.

Game 5: 2 points and a bunch of turnovers and fouls

This, my friends, is the stuff legends are made of. Thirty years from now, this will be referred to as “*The* Pep Talk.”  LBJ is this generation’s JFK and MLK rolled into one. He is truly a Renaissance man.

What more can LeBron do to prop up his loser team? First the man delivers this truly inspiring speech, then he scores almost TEN points. For fuck’s sake, people!